Guilt

Guilt
Portland, OR – May 2024

As I have grown older, there have been a few things in my life that have left me feeling guilty.  Some of those have faded, some aren’t rational, and some are yet to be dealt with.  One thing that has cropped up more and more of late is the guilt I feel for moving out of my hometown and away—both literally and figuratively–from a lot of the people and institutions that helped create me. 

These feelings have been casual wonderings of “what if” for the most part—but have come up more frequently and more acutely of late– especially as my grandparents have both passed on and parents have continued to grow older.  I am mostly happy with the life I have built for myself outside Idaho Falls and away from much of what I knew as I grew up, however some questions and doubts linger. 

What kind of person would I be today if I had stayed in Idaho Falls instead of moving to Utah after the Military—conservative leaning or rather left of center like I am now?

Would I have stayed in policing?  What would I have done for work if not?

Would I be as open to or accepting of varying alternative lifestyles, the people practicing them, or ethical non-monogamy as I am today?   What would my education or involvement pertaining to them look like?

What kind(s) of hobbies would I have developed?  Would I have continued to enjoy them as long or to the degree that I have with my present set of hobbies?

Would I have learned what Burning Man is or have even been to a burn event (let alone racked up over a decade of experience helping to produce or protect them)?

How would my grandmother’s end of life have been different if I was closer to care for her as her Cancer worsened?

How would my Grandpa’s end of life have been different if I was there to help care for him?

I guess it’s kind of like a few lines from Massive Ego’s song “Let go”:
“Let go, let go of what you should have done
Should have said, should have worn, should have read
Let go, Let go…”